Tracking my own instability

August 29, 2016 § Leave a comment

I live with a husband who suffers from depression. By some miracle we were able to fall in love 20 years ago. It is that love that endures today. I struggle with my own mental health on a daily basis. I don’t know what effect my husband’s depression has on my own state of mind. I have never known what it would be to live with a mentally healthy person. I have only loved, and been loved, by people who suffer from chronic conditions of mental illness.

I wonder if there are any truly mentally healthy people out there? So, then I have to ask myself, could it actually be any better than it is right now? And, if that is the case, how am I going to make the best of the situation I find myself in?

Right now I am triggered and unhappy on a daily basis. Whatever respite I find from my husband’s depression is invaded with my own unhappy interpretation of the condition of my life.

I am working hard everyday and I am exhausted. I would like to retire but that is out of the question. I am facing at least 3 years of major renovations on our home, probably more like 5 years. We hope we have enough money to get them all done before we run out.

Last week we finally pulled the permit to implement our plans. Since then I have been feeling even more out of sorts than usual. Today I got up at 4 am to prepare our rental suite, which amounts to an extra part time job for me to help make ends meet.

I have been trying to recover from burnout after 10 years of graduate school.

I continue to struggle to just get daily chores done and practice some modicum of self care.

I could use mental health support, but I can’t afford the time or energy to actually find a counsellor or therapist. I know from experience when I get this low and distressed that I will turn it around and I will feel better by implementing a few simple steps. The first step is admitting I need help and acknowledging that my point of view has been corrupted by my own interpretation of my husband’s depression. I cannot demand that he not be depressed and I can’t demand that he make our working together more pleasant.

I just need help to get my own mojo back and not be so dependent and distractible by his moods, attitudes and behaviour. I need my own base to work from instead of leaning on him.

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