June 7, 2015 § Leave a comment
Here I am. Emotionally exhausted from a long bout of sobbing this morning. I met with my new thesis supervisor on Friday afternoon and he informed me that I had a bit of ‘fine tuning’ to prepare my dissertation to send to my third committee member. That fine tuning involved removing all traces of the theoretical framework that I had been working on for eight years, and the reason I submitted my withdrawal from the program in September 2013 when my ex-supervisor said he would fail me if I continued with that theoretical framework. This is the same theoretical framework that was accepted in my comprehensive exams in 2010 and that I published in two book chapters and presented at 3 conferences.
I am now planning my exit strategy from the university, to submit my letter of withdrawal to the faculty of graduate studies this time, and stipulate that I am severing all ties with the university.
That was Friday afternoon and evening, sorting out how to end an abusive relationship with my ex-supervisor after 10 years.
The next day, yesterday, Saturday, I was subjected to mental and emotional abuse from my husband. He called me an asshole, a bitch, and a dick. He accused me of not ‘helping’ him with a project he is working on. This was after I tried to help him for two hours of him talking about the project and explaining the problems to me. The yelling continued for about half an hour as we were driving to a hardware store. I was driving, he was yelling at me, and swearing at me. What set him off was me asking if he might be having a problem with toxic codependence with me because I was feeling increasingly tense and uncomfortable as he tried to explain his problems to me. He just blew up.
This morning I was writing about both incidents and realizing that I continue to endorse abusive relationships even after 19 years in recovery. Damn this shit.
This isn’t the first time my husband has used me as a emotional and mental punching bag. I doubt it will be the last. I hate to admit that I am a victim of domestic violence, but there is no denying what he was doing yesterday. I fought back, which didn’t help.
I will be very surprised if he shows any remorse or consciousness of what he did yesterday. He seems to think his reaction, while it might have been a little over the top, was warranted by what I said or did.
Ugh. I’m going to a meeting today, tomorrow night, and Wednesday night. I need to get my head sorted out and figure out what to do. Surely I can do better than this.