I realize I am struggling
June 19, 2014 § Leave a comment
I admit that I am struggling with obsessive thoughts about family, and I am feeling a strong compulsion to reach out to family and try to make a connection. There is a pretty long list of relationships with family right now that are not in great shape:
That is immediate family. That leaves a much smaller number of family members that I am on good terms with:
The fact is that I don’t reach out much anymore because it feels like I do all the reaching out and there comes a point where I don’t want to try anymore. Also there is this. Even if family members do reach out to me, I don’t want to attend their social gatherings because I have so many unpleasant memories of incidents of drunkenness, disrespect, insensitivity, thinly-veiled passive aggression, and a general invalidation of my existence. So, although I am getting grief from some of my family members for ‘shutting them out’, it is also true that I cannot let my guard down because I have so many overwhelming unpleasant memories.
And so, just for today, I choose again to not reach out. The big step I am taking today is realizing that I am struggling with this stuff and I need to get support to figure out what to do about it. I have joined the forum at the Mental Illness Happy Hour website and I am hoping this action will kick start me into a more active role in my self-care.
I am really baffled with how to cope with non-supportive family system. I hope I can find some answers in the coming days.