haunted by family

June 13, 2014 § Leave a comment

Today I was aware of how many times I thought about my family of origin: my mother, my father, my sister, and each of my four brothers. The quality of these thoughts make me think of what it is like to be haunted – ghostly presence that hovers in my peripheral vision but dissolves when I turn my gaze on them. The themes of these thoughts are cyclical and familiar. First, I think about a family member and wonder if the distant I am choosing is the right thing to do. I go over every permutation of the relationship trying to figure out where I might be making a fatal error in my positioning. Second, I think about what I wish I could say to a family member if I could have free reign to be emotionally honest and grow the relationship I wish I could have. Third, I wonder whether I should contact a family member and if was to contact them, what form should that contact take: phone, email, hard copy letter; and what the content of that contact should include: just saying hi, checking in, problem solving, digging into family history, explaining myself and the distant I feel, etc. Which leads me back to the first thought cluster to go through another round with another family member.

It always turns out the same – I conclude that no good can come of it and I will not attempt to change anything for the time being.

Whenever my mind is not actively engaged in some other form of focus, it turns to this particular cluster and chases the chimera of family from one dusty corner to the next, never, ever pinning it down or making a connection.

The truth of the matter is that no one from my family will call me, write to me, or try to build a relationship with me. So all this mental exercise is really a process to spend the unrequited love I wish I could give my family but there is no one there interested to receive it.

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